【雅思作文批改】5.5-6分：词汇丰富 句式灵活
知识问答 2022-03-10 15:52:49 admin
【雅思作文批改】5.5-6分：词汇丰富，句式灵活
一般雅思评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。最后取这几个项的平均分就是综合得分。今天这位小伙伴的作文综合得分为5.5-6分，主题： 是否应在校园内禁止外卖？ 其他小伙伴快来学习下啦~点击 阅读原文 有惊喜。
作文内容:
Take-aways industry has an increasingly enormous market n[b1] campus these days. Although it is preferred by the majority of students because of its convenience and the wide range of selecion it provides, there are still many problems being remained[b2] .
Students choose to order take-aways, for they can offer more choices.[b3] Nowadays many restaurants have contracted with take-aways apps[b4] to do business online, allowing students to compare different eateries' cuisines and prices simultaneously, without the constraint of location. In contrast, dining halls on campus have limited dishes, which cannot cater for diverse tastes and needs. Also, seeing that it has an online shopping form, take-aways have some unique advantages compared with physical stores. To attract more students' attention, restaurants give up part of their sales revenue per dish on the stiffly competitive online platform so as to pursue more sales. Along with vibrant pictures and commendation reviews, students' preferences to take-aways are justified and intelligible.
However, take-aways leave many hidden pitfalls which are seldom considered by students. Firstly, cooperation with online apps[b5] is poorly required, failing to guarantee students' healthy diets. [b6] It is widely broadcasted that many online eateries[b7] even do not have a business license. Owning a dirty workplace, those restaurants are so lack of social responsibility and are not aware that they are supposed to give priority to students' health[b8] . Moreover, the majority of take-aways are delivered to campus by motors. In this case, students are likely to get hurt when a motor bicycle passes away quickly.
Many undesirable drawbacks have happened on campus,[b9] and many headmasters have banned take-aways for fear of unfortunate accidents. Nevertheless, to secure students and meet their needs at the same time, I think taking some measures to supervise the behavior of merchants instead of absolutely preventing students from purchasing is more efficient.
[b1]on
[b2]remain一般不用做被动式
[b3]语法错误，they指代students，语义不对。
[b4]Apps，首字母大写，专有名词
[b5]Apps，首字母大写，专有名词
[b6]guarantee diet，中式英语，换一个搭配，比如failing to offer .
[b7]重复出现，建议换一些同义词汇：restaurants，bistros等。
[b8]语法错误，so .that句式使用错误，可以改为：Those restaurants are so lack of social responsibility that they are not aware their responsibility to students health.，或者直接删掉lack之前的so
[b9]中式英语，drawbacks缺点不能发生，可以换成 have been found
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
最大的问题是连贯性词汇用的比较少以及一些中式英语的翻译，批注中改了一些，建议学生再去学一些段与段之间的连贯词，尝试在文章中运用。
解决方案：
学生文章中出现了一些中式英语，建议可以学习一些词汇搭配，另外可以整理一些段与段之间表逻辑和连贯性的词，尝试在写作中运用。
附批改原图：
END
一般雅思评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。最后取这几个项的平均分就是综合得分。今天这位小伙伴的作文综合得分为5.5-6分，主题： 是否应在校园内禁止外卖？ 其他小伙伴快来学习下啦~点击 阅读原文 有惊喜。
作文内容:
Take-aways industry has an increasingly enormous market n[b1] campus these days. Although it is preferred by the majority of students because of its convenience and the wide range of selecion it provides, there are still many problems being remained[b2] .
Students choose to order take-aways, for they can offer more choices.[b3] Nowadays many restaurants have contracted with take-aways apps[b4] to do business online, allowing students to compare different eateries' cuisines and prices simultaneously, without the constraint of location. In contrast, dining halls on campus have limited dishes, which cannot cater for diverse tastes and needs. Also, seeing that it has an online shopping form, take-aways have some unique advantages compared with physical stores. To attract more students' attention, restaurants give up part of their sales revenue per dish on the stiffly competitive online platform so as to pursue more sales. Along with vibrant pictures and commendation reviews, students' preferences to take-aways are justified and intelligible.
However, take-aways leave many hidden pitfalls which are seldom considered by students. Firstly, cooperation with online apps[b5] is poorly required, failing to guarantee students' healthy diets. [b6] It is widely broadcasted that many online eateries[b7] even do not have a business license. Owning a dirty workplace, those restaurants are so lack of social responsibility and are not aware that they are supposed to give priority to students' health[b8] . Moreover, the majority of take-aways are delivered to campus by motors. In this case, students are likely to get hurt when a motor bicycle passes away quickly.
Many undesirable drawbacks have happened on campus,[b9] and many headmasters have banned take-aways for fear of unfortunate accidents. Nevertheless, to secure students and meet their needs at the same time, I think taking some measures to supervise the behavior of merchants instead of absolutely preventing students from purchasing is more efficient.
[b1]on
[b2]remain一般不用做被动式
[b3]语法错误，they指代students，语义不对。
[b4]Apps，首字母大写，专有名词
[b5]Apps，首字母大写，专有名词
[b6]guarantee diet，中式英语，换一个搭配，比如failing to offer .
[b7]重复出现，建议换一些同义词汇：restaurants，bistros等。
[b8]语法错误，so .that句式使用错误，可以改为：Those restaurants are so lack of social responsibility that they are not aware their responsibility to students health.，或者直接删掉lack之前的so
[b9]中式英语，drawbacks缺点不能发生，可以换成 have been found
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
最大的问题是连贯性词汇用的比较少以及一些中式英语的翻译，批注中改了一些，建议学生再去学一些段与段之间的连贯词，尝试在文章中运用。
解决方案：
学生文章中出现了一些中式英语，建议可以学习一些词汇搭配，另外可以整理一些段与段之间表逻辑和连贯性的词，尝试在写作中运用。
附批改原图：
END
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