【雅思作文批改】5-5.5分：逻辑安排得当 长难句慎用！
知识问答 2022-03-15 06:51:40 admin
【雅思作文批改】5-5.5分：逻辑安排得当，长难句慎用！
今天来看看这位同学的作文，他的题目是饼状图分析，最大的亮点是逻辑安排得体，但是长难句要慎重使用，并不是越多越好的，详细批改看看老师是怎样写的：
作文内容：
In the two pie charts we are show[Y1] [Y2] how many people in the different area of the world between 1990 and 2000[Y3] .
One of the most significant features we can note is the population in 2000 is arount[Y4] 4 times as much as in 1990[Y5] , which rose from 1.6 billion to 6 billion. In addition, there was a mew[Y6] type of region area, Middle East and North Africa, which took up 6% of world population.
When looking at the data more closely, Asia[Y7] shown[Y8] an declining trend, falling from 60% in 1900 to 54% in 2000, which always took up the largest proportion of word population, at the same time, Europe (including Russia) also decreased from 35% to 14%. While there was a gentle rise from 4% to 10%[Y9] , and also the population of Latin American adding Caribbean in 2000 was more than the proportion of Latin America only in 1900. North America and other region area, however, remained unchanged in 2000 compared to 1900, hovered[Y10] at 5% and 3%.
[Y1]语法错误：双动词
[Y2] we are show 建议以第三人称角度表述，更加客观
[Y3]与题所示不符，题目中表述是两个时间点的人数
[Y4]拼写错误：around
[Y5]双谓语：is the population is around 4 times
[Y6]拼写错误：new
[Y7]是population of Asia,不能等同于Asia；但当前一句表述过population of Asia时，后一句可省略，直接用Asia
[Y8]语法错误：动词形式不正确，show的过去时是showed
[Y9]表述不明：rise of Africa
[Y10]动词不能直接在逗号后面单独引领成分，可在前加and或which
各项详细点评：
附批改原图：
今天来看看这位同学的作文，他的题目是饼状图分析，最大的亮点是逻辑安排得体，但是长难句要慎重使用，并不是越多越好的，详细批改看看老师是怎样写的：
作文内容：
In the two pie charts we are show[Y1] [Y2] how many people in the different area of the world between 1990 and 2000[Y3] .
One of the most significant features we can note is the population in 2000 is arount[Y4] 4 times as much as in 1990[Y5] , which rose from 1.6 billion to 6 billion. In addition, there was a mew[Y6] type of region area, Middle East and North Africa, which took up 6% of world population.
When looking at the data more closely, Asia[Y7] shown[Y8] an declining trend, falling from 60% in 1900 to 54% in 2000, which always took up the largest proportion of word population, at the same time, Europe (including Russia) also decreased from 35% to 14%. While there was a gentle rise from 4% to 10%[Y9] , and also the population of Latin American adding Caribbean in 2000 was more than the proportion of Latin America only in 1900. North America and other region area, however, remained unchanged in 2000 compared to 1900, hovered[Y10] at 5% and 3%.
[Y1]语法错误：双动词
[Y2] we are show 建议以第三人称角度表述，更加客观
[Y3]与题所示不符，题目中表述是两个时间点的人数
[Y4]拼写错误：around
[Y5]双谓语：is the population is around 4 times
[Y6]拼写错误：new
[Y7]是population of Asia,不能等同于Asia；但当前一句表述过population of Asia时，后一句可省略，直接用Asia
[Y8]语法错误：动词形式不正确，show的过去时是showed
[Y9]表述不明：rise of Africa
[Y10]动词不能直接在逗号后面单独引领成分，可在前加and或which
各项详细点评：
附批改原图：
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