V式扎心丨5.5分大作文超精细修改+点评
知识问答 2022-03-18 14:15:43 admin
V式扎心丨5.5分大作文超精细修改+点评
1
V式扎心丨5.5分大作文超精细修改+点评
很多烤鸭终日研究如何写好大作文，
什么高大上的结构，
高难度的句子，
高精深的词汇......
但往往会忽略一个最值得重视的问题，
就是改错!
试想你苦心写出的 高逼格 作文，
却漏洞百出，高分只会离你越来越远!
各位童鞋，可不要因小失大!
今天Vicky给大家精改一篇大作文，
附带各部分改动的详解原因，
快来学习如何改错吧!
Task 2:
Many people believed that human society has developed into a throw-away society,which is filled with plastic bags and rubbish. What are the causes and solutions?
许多人认为人类社会已经发展为 丢弃型 社会，随处可见丢弃的塑料袋和垃圾，造成该问题的原因是什么呢?该怎么解决?
5.5分例文：
The enormous amount of rubbish and plastic bags produced each year has turned the modern society into a high level of waste.In my opinion,this is due to over-packaging and consumerism.
Market is filled with over-packaging products made by sales-driven companies.In order to gain more profit nowadays, companies tend to provide products with unnecessary nice and expensive packaging to improve their aesthetic appeal.For instance, during Middle Autumn Festival in China, moon cakes used to be merely packed in simple plastic bags; however, recently, in order to attract more customers, some companies pack moon cakes in plastic bags and then wrap them in silk before putting them in a an exquisite metal or hard paper box.It is the same moon cake merely with more packaging, and people usually throw the package away after consuming the moon cake. Therefore,it is the sales driven companies that pushes the society to produce more waste.
Besides,ln addition, growing number of consumerisms also aggravating exacerbating the throw-away society.The development of modern economy has promoted the standard of living for individuals. People are becoming wealthier,and their consumption habits are changing. To be more specific, people lend to purchase higher quality products, which, in most cases, come with more packaging. The more people purchasing over-packaging products, the more waste is going be produced in society.Accordingly,it is the accelerating consumerism that makes more wastes in society.
However,there are still solutions to this aggravating problem. For one thing, government could promote recycling among the public. Companies would be more willing to use recycled materials in packaging if the authorities give them support and reduce tax in this situation.For another,individuals should voluntarily selec products with less packaging.With less demand of over-packaging products, its supply would significantly decrease.
In conclusion,over-packaging by profit seeking companies and growing number of consumerism among individuals were the main reasons for a today's throw-away society today.Nevertheless, government intervention and individuals' change of preference in purchasing could tackle the problem.
精改高分范文：
The enormous amount of rubbish and plastic bags ❶ produced each year has turned ❷ the modern society into ❸ a high level of waste an inefficient society with a high level of waste.In my opinion,this is due to over-packaging and consumerism.
❶ 这句话并不是十分规范，增加短语 produced each year 使语言更加地道;
❷ the在这里是多余的;
❸ a high level of waste society 在这里是行不通的， a high level of waste不能放在前面修饰society;
亮点：最后一句很地道，并且考生选择的理由很好。
Market ❶The market is filled with over-packaging ❷over-packaged products made by sales-driven companies. In order to gain more profit❸increase their profits,nowadays,companies tend to provide products with unnecessary ❹ nice and expensive packaging to improve their aesthetic appeal.For instance,during Middle Autumn❺ the Mid-Autumn Festival in China,❻ moon cakes moomcakes used to be merely packed in simple plastic bags,however,recently,in order to attract more customers,some companies pack moon cakesmooncakesin ❼ plastic bags and then wrap them in silk before putting them in a an exquisite metal or hard paper box.It ❽ However,it is the same moon cakemooncake ❾-it merely with has more packaging,packaging-and people usually throw the ➓ packagebox away after consuming the moon cakemooncake.Therefore,it is the sales driven ⑪sales-driven companies that pushes ⑫push the society to produce more waste.
❶在这里，需要添加冠词the;
❷over-packaging形式不对，因为它在修饰products,应该是作为形容词，正确形式为over-packaged ;
❸用词有点奇怪，gain略带有感情色彩，increase比较客观准确。
❹unnecessary nice and expensive packaging 的表达很奇怪，而且expensive暗含的意思并不能帮助companies increase their profits,前后相矛盾。 因为这里强调的并不是包装的花费，而是包装的外观。 例如，一盒月饼的包装可能用到了非常便宜的仿丝绸，但是外观仍然很漂亮。
❺middle autumn的说法很奇怪，当表示某事发生在一段时期的中间时，例如一周或一个季节，我们常用mid-来表示中间的概念，如mid-week或mid-winter,同时这里还应该用定冠词the;
❻ mooncakes是一个合成词，分开来写就表示单独的两个词;
❼ plastic bags指的是非常廉价的那种塑料袋，而这里讨论的是月饼的包装袋，用bags比较恰当;
❽增加连接词however使句子更加连贯流畅;
❾it merely has more packaging是一个单独的短语应该与其他句子分开;
➓ packag意思是包裹，packag=parcel packaging，前面已经用到packaging,所以要学会替换不同的词，用box进行替代。
⑪sales-driven是一个复合形容词，中间应该使用连字符;
⑫push前面的主语是companies,复数名词后面谓语动词应为原形;
Besides,❶ ln addition, growing number of consumerisms❷ the growing trend of consumerism is also aggravating❸ exacerbating the throw-away society.The development of the modern economy has promoted the ❹ a higher standard of living for individuals.People are becoming wealthier,and their consumption habits are changing.To be more specific,people tend to purchase higher quality products,which, in most cases,come with more packaging.The more people ❺purchasingthat purchase over-packaging ❻ over-packaged products,the more waste is ❼ going be produced ❽ in society. Accordingly,it is the accelerating consumerism that makes more wastes in society.
❶ besides用在句子开头时，属于非正式词汇，不适合用于学术写作中，所以应该改为in addition;
❷这种表达很奇怪，consumerism表示一种生活方式或心态，属于抽象概念，是不可数名词;
❸ 单词混淆使用，aggravating=annoying/irritating ;exacerbating=make something worse;
❹living standards 是会变化的，所以就该呈现一种动态的表达;
❺purchasing在这里并不错，但是that purchase会使句子更清晰
❻over-packaging是一个动词，这里是作为形容词，应该使用over-packaged;它们之间的区别如下：
The company is over-packaging its products.
The company sells over-packaged products.
❼ 该句所表示的情况是已经或正在发生的，不需要用将来时。
❽in society使用过很多次了，尽量保持简洁，不要重复。
亮点：加粗的句子逗号使用很恰当，表达也不错，值得学习。
However,there are still solutions to this aggravating❶ growing problem. For one ❷ thing,government❸ governments could promote recycling among the public.Companies would be more willing to use recycled materials in packaging if the authorities give them support and reduce tax in this situation.For another,individuals should voluntarily selec products with less packaging.With less demand of ❹for over-packagingover-packaged products, its ❺their supply would significantly decrease.
❶aggravating 表示irritating，是一个主观性较强的情感词汇，并不是所有人都对这个问题感到愤怒，所以不应该使用观点词。
❷thing太不正式;
❸世界上不止一个政府，所以应该用复数;
❹demand 搭配的介词应该为for,demand for sth.
❺products为复数，单词应该用their.
亮点：加粗句子的观点很好，值得借鉴!
In conclusion, over-packaging by profit seeking❶ profit-seeking companies and growing number ofthe growing trend of consumerism among individuals were❷ are the main reasons for a ❸ today's throw-away society today. Nevertheless,government intervention and individuals'change of preference in purchasing❹ a change in consumer purchasing habits could tackle the problem.
❶profit-seeking是一个复合形容词，中间使用连字符;
❷该问题仍在发生，不应该使用过去时;
❸原来的表达有点奇怪，改过后比较通顺;
❹原表达虽然没有错误，但不够流畅，改过后的表达提高了句子的流畅度。
亮点：加粗的词汇用的很准确并且高级。
Vicky点评：
该学生作文的结构和对写作任务的处理还算恰当,大部分例子中的过渡性短语比较准确，清晰地表明了不同观点间的关系;
个别句子的表达也很出色，已经加粗标注，大家可以借鉴学习。
主要问题是：
存在语法和词汇错误，包括时态、冠词、介词、谓语动词单复数、词性误用、词义混淆等，各位小伙伴一定要平时多加练习积累，避免犯类似的错误。
所谓细节决定成败，
下面给大家奉上雅思写作时的Do Don't,
各位小伙伴，
有则改之，无则加勉哦!
一定要做到的 do
1.分析题目
这是写作的第一步，也是关键的一步，审题可以了解到题目的具体要求，如时间、字数、内容要求等，为后面的工作打好基础。
2.完整地回答提示的各个方面
3.先花费5分钟构思文章
4.第一段介绍部分：以论文的句式改写题目，陈述你所写文章的目的
5.给文章划分段落：(至少4段：开篇介绍段、2个主体段、总结段)
6.每一段开头写一个主题句
7.每一个论点都要提供一个理由和例子
8.总结段要总结文章中的每一个论点
9.总结段提出一些 引人深思 的观点(比如推荐、建议以及更广泛的影响等)
10.使用客观性的语言(如 we must 应改为 it is essential we)
11.保证观点正确并以正式的语言来陈述(如 It is my firm belief that)
12.使用比较正式的词汇(如keep改为maintain; make sure改为ensure)
注意:那些读起来或看起来更像法语、西班牙语、意大利语、葡萄牙语的单词通常较为正式
13.使用被动语态，这样听起来更正式和客观(例如：The film will be shown...)
14.多使用同义词替换，避免重复(如important=vital=essential=crucial)
15.使用正式的衔接词(如despite,nevertheless, furthermore)
16.使用复杂句
17.检查文章进行校对，避免出现简单错误
18.一定保证文章字数至少达到250字。
一定不要做的 don't
1.不要使用缩写(如I don't)
2.避免使用第一人称词(如I、me 、my)
3. 不要使用情感语气词(如 disgusting、fabulous)
4.不要只列举个人事例
5.不要使用过于口语化的表达(如 I had great time)
6.避免使用简单词汇(如 say ,think, bad以及基础连词(如and ,but, also等)
7.不要全篇重复使用某个词汇
8.不要使用过于简单的句子(如：Everyone thinks it's true. I disagree)
9.不要使用太笼统的词(如everyone,always, never, all)
10.开头段不要完全复制作文要求
11.不要忘记回答作文要求的各个方面
12.字数不要少于250字
13.最后一段不要忘记总结和概括你写的文章内容
14.不要使用和主题无关的例子和观点
各位小伙伴，
上面的错误犯过几个?
一定狠狠滴记住并改正，
切莫让这些小bug变为高分之路的大危机哦!
1
V式扎心丨5.5分大作文超精细修改+点评
很多烤鸭终日研究如何写好大作文，
什么高大上的结构，
高难度的句子，
高精深的词汇......
但往往会忽略一个最值得重视的问题，
就是改错!
试想你苦心写出的 高逼格 作文，
却漏洞百出，高分只会离你越来越远!
各位童鞋，可不要因小失大!
今天Vicky给大家精改一篇大作文，
附带各部分改动的详解原因，
快来学习如何改错吧!
Task 2:
Many people believed that human society has developed into a throw-away society,which is filled with plastic bags and rubbish. What are the causes and solutions?
许多人认为人类社会已经发展为 丢弃型 社会，随处可见丢弃的塑料袋和垃圾，造成该问题的原因是什么呢?该怎么解决?
5.5分例文：
The enormous amount of rubbish and plastic bags produced each year has turned the modern society into a high level of waste.In my opinion,this is due to over-packaging and consumerism.
Market is filled with over-packaging products made by sales-driven companies.In order to gain more profit nowadays, companies tend to provide products with unnecessary nice and expensive packaging to improve their aesthetic appeal.For instance, during Middle Autumn Festival in China, moon cakes used to be merely packed in simple plastic bags; however, recently, in order to attract more customers, some companies pack moon cakes in plastic bags and then wrap them in silk before putting them in a an exquisite metal or hard paper box.It is the same moon cake merely with more packaging, and people usually throw the package away after consuming the moon cake. Therefore,it is the sales driven companies that pushes the society to produce more waste.
Besides,ln addition, growing number of consumerisms also aggravating exacerbating the throw-away society.The development of modern economy has promoted the standard of living for individuals. People are becoming wealthier,and their consumption habits are changing. To be more specific, people lend to purchase higher quality products, which, in most cases, come with more packaging. The more people purchasing over-packaging products, the more waste is going be produced in society.Accordingly,it is the accelerating consumerism that makes more wastes in society.
However,there are still solutions to this aggravating problem. For one thing, government could promote recycling among the public. Companies would be more willing to use recycled materials in packaging if the authorities give them support and reduce tax in this situation.For another,individuals should voluntarily selec products with less packaging.With less demand of over-packaging products, its supply would significantly decrease.
In conclusion,over-packaging by profit seeking companies and growing number of consumerism among individuals were the main reasons for a today's throw-away society today.Nevertheless, government intervention and individuals' change of preference in purchasing could tackle the problem.
精改高分范文：
The enormous amount of rubbish and plastic bags ❶ produced each year has turned ❷ the modern society into ❸ a high level of waste an inefficient society with a high level of waste.In my opinion,this is due to over-packaging and consumerism.
❶ 这句话并不是十分规范，增加短语 produced each year 使语言更加地道;
❷ the在这里是多余的;
❸ a high level of waste society 在这里是行不通的， a high level of waste不能放在前面修饰society;
亮点：最后一句很地道，并且考生选择的理由很好。
Market ❶The market is filled with over-packaging ❷over-packaged products made by sales-driven companies. In order to gain more profit❸increase their profits,nowadays,companies tend to provide products with unnecessary ❹ nice and expensive packaging to improve their aesthetic appeal.For instance,during Middle Autumn❺ the Mid-Autumn Festival in China,❻ moon cakes moomcakes used to be merely packed in simple plastic bags,however,recently,in order to attract more customers,some companies pack moon cakesmooncakesin ❼ plastic bags and then wrap them in silk before putting them in a an exquisite metal or hard paper box.It ❽ However,it is the same moon cakemooncake ❾-it merely with has more packaging,packaging-and people usually throw the ➓ packagebox away after consuming the moon cakemooncake.Therefore,it is the sales driven ⑪sales-driven companies that pushes ⑫push the society to produce more waste.
❶在这里，需要添加冠词the;
❷over-packaging形式不对，因为它在修饰products,应该是作为形容词，正确形式为over-packaged ;
❸用词有点奇怪，gain略带有感情色彩，increase比较客观准确。
❹unnecessary nice and expensive packaging 的表达很奇怪，而且expensive暗含的意思并不能帮助companies increase their profits,前后相矛盾。 因为这里强调的并不是包装的花费，而是包装的外观。 例如，一盒月饼的包装可能用到了非常便宜的仿丝绸，但是外观仍然很漂亮。
❺middle autumn的说法很奇怪，当表示某事发生在一段时期的中间时，例如一周或一个季节，我们常用mid-来表示中间的概念，如mid-week或mid-winter,同时这里还应该用定冠词the;
❻ mooncakes是一个合成词，分开来写就表示单独的两个词;
❼ plastic bags指的是非常廉价的那种塑料袋，而这里讨论的是月饼的包装袋，用bags比较恰当;
❽增加连接词however使句子更加连贯流畅;
❾it merely has more packaging是一个单独的短语应该与其他句子分开;
➓ packag意思是包裹，packag=parcel packaging，前面已经用到packaging,所以要学会替换不同的词，用box进行替代。
⑪sales-driven是一个复合形容词，中间应该使用连字符;
⑫push前面的主语是companies,复数名词后面谓语动词应为原形;
Besides,❶ ln addition, growing number of consumerisms❷ the growing trend of consumerism is also aggravating❸ exacerbating the throw-away society.The development of the modern economy has promoted the ❹ a higher standard of living for individuals.People are becoming wealthier,and their consumption habits are changing.To be more specific,people tend to purchase higher quality products,which, in most cases,come with more packaging.The more people ❺purchasingthat purchase over-packaging ❻ over-packaged products,the more waste is ❼ going be produced ❽ in society. Accordingly,it is the accelerating consumerism that makes more wastes in society.
❶ besides用在句子开头时，属于非正式词汇，不适合用于学术写作中，所以应该改为in addition;
❷这种表达很奇怪，consumerism表示一种生活方式或心态，属于抽象概念，是不可数名词;
❸ 单词混淆使用，aggravating=annoying/irritating ;exacerbating=make something worse;
❹living standards 是会变化的，所以就该呈现一种动态的表达;
❺purchasing在这里并不错，但是that purchase会使句子更清晰
❻over-packaging是一个动词，这里是作为形容词，应该使用over-packaged;它们之间的区别如下：
The company is over-packaging its products.
The company sells over-packaged products.
❼ 该句所表示的情况是已经或正在发生的，不需要用将来时。
❽in society使用过很多次了，尽量保持简洁，不要重复。
亮点：加粗的句子逗号使用很恰当，表达也不错，值得学习。
However,there are still solutions to this aggravating❶ growing problem. For one ❷ thing,government❸ governments could promote recycling among the public.Companies would be more willing to use recycled materials in packaging if the authorities give them support and reduce tax in this situation.For another,individuals should voluntarily selec products with less packaging.With less demand of ❹for over-packagingover-packaged products, its ❺their supply would significantly decrease.
❶aggravating 表示irritating，是一个主观性较强的情感词汇，并不是所有人都对这个问题感到愤怒，所以不应该使用观点词。
❷thing太不正式;
❸世界上不止一个政府，所以应该用复数;
❹demand 搭配的介词应该为for,demand for sth.
❺products为复数，单词应该用their.
亮点：加粗句子的观点很好，值得借鉴!
In conclusion, over-packaging by profit seeking❶ profit-seeking companies and growing number ofthe growing trend of consumerism among individuals were❷ are the main reasons for a ❸ today's throw-away society today. Nevertheless,government intervention and individuals'change of preference in purchasing❹ a change in consumer purchasing habits could tackle the problem.
❶profit-seeking是一个复合形容词，中间使用连字符;
❷该问题仍在发生，不应该使用过去时;
❸原来的表达有点奇怪，改过后比较通顺;
❹原表达虽然没有错误，但不够流畅，改过后的表达提高了句子的流畅度。
亮点：加粗的词汇用的很准确并且高级。
Vicky点评：
该学生作文的结构和对写作任务的处理还算恰当,大部分例子中的过渡性短语比较准确，清晰地表明了不同观点间的关系;
个别句子的表达也很出色，已经加粗标注，大家可以借鉴学习。
主要问题是：
存在语法和词汇错误，包括时态、冠词、介词、谓语动词单复数、词性误用、词义混淆等，各位小伙伴一定要平时多加练习积累，避免犯类似的错误。
所谓细节决定成败，
下面给大家奉上雅思写作时的Do Don't,
各位小伙伴，
有则改之，无则加勉哦!
一定要做到的 do
1.分析题目
这是写作的第一步，也是关键的一步，审题可以了解到题目的具体要求，如时间、字数、内容要求等，为后面的工作打好基础。
2.完整地回答提示的各个方面
3.先花费5分钟构思文章
4.第一段介绍部分：以论文的句式改写题目，陈述你所写文章的目的
5.给文章划分段落：(至少4段：开篇介绍段、2个主体段、总结段)
6.每一段开头写一个主题句
7.每一个论点都要提供一个理由和例子
8.总结段要总结文章中的每一个论点
9.总结段提出一些 引人深思 的观点(比如推荐、建议以及更广泛的影响等)
10.使用客观性的语言(如 we must 应改为 it is essential we)
11.保证观点正确并以正式的语言来陈述(如 It is my firm belief that)
12.使用比较正式的词汇(如keep改为maintain; make sure改为ensure)
注意:那些读起来或看起来更像法语、西班牙语、意大利语、葡萄牙语的单词通常较为正式
13.使用被动语态，这样听起来更正式和客观(例如：The film will be shown...)
14.多使用同义词替换，避免重复(如important=vital=essential=crucial)
15.使用正式的衔接词(如despite,nevertheless, furthermore)
16.使用复杂句
17.检查文章进行校对，避免出现简单错误
18.一定保证文章字数至少达到250字。
一定不要做的 don't
1.不要使用缩写(如I don't)
2.避免使用第一人称词(如I、me 、my)
3. 不要使用情感语气词(如 disgusting、fabulous)
4.不要只列举个人事例
5.不要使用过于口语化的表达(如 I had great time)
6.避免使用简单词汇(如 say ,think, bad以及基础连词(如and ,but, also等)
7.不要全篇重复使用某个词汇
8.不要使用过于简单的句子(如：Everyone thinks it's true. I disagree)
9.不要使用太笼统的词(如everyone,always, never, all)
10.开头段不要完全复制作文要求
11.不要忘记回答作文要求的各个方面
12.字数不要少于250字
13.最后一段不要忘记总结和概括你写的文章内容
14.不要使用和主题无关的例子和观点
各位小伙伴，
上面的错误犯过几个?
一定狠狠滴记住并改正，
切莫让这些小bug变为高分之路的大危机哦!
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